


Collection

by moodiful819



Category: Naruto
Genre: Drabble Collection, F/M, Ficlet Collection, Gen, Humor, One Shot Collection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-03
Updated: 2013-09-14
Packaged: 2017-12-17 13:00:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 12,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/867824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moodiful819/pseuds/moodiful819
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of humorous drabbles and oneshots featuring our favorite ninja and his pink-haired medic. [rating varies from K to M.] Chapter 18: She should've known when she woke up this morning that it would be a bad day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Eloquent Speaker

**Author's Note:**

> Backing up things from my FF.net account again.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi's gotten too smart for his own good.

Title: The Eloquent Speaker  
Rating: K+  
Genre: Humor/General  
Word count: 582  
Summary: Kakashi's gotten too smart for his own good.

Thank you to i-don't-have-a-name for the quotes. This one's for her!

_Don't own Naruto._

* * *

 

When Sakura watched Naruto barrel into the band of 12 missing nin with a smile on his face as Sakura and Kakashi struggled with their two, she was amazed, but confused. So after the battle as they walked with their backpacks on their back, Naruto a few feet in front of the two, she turned to him and asked why Naruto could do that.

"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."

Though a bit mean, Sakura could see the logic behind it. When you're smart, you have inhibitions. You're tentative because you know all the outcomes. When you're like Naruto, you just do it. With a nod of thanks, they continued on their way.

When Sakura was buried under the mounds of paper sitting on her desk (no doubt Tsunade was too busy sleeping to deal with the paperwork meaning it fell to her) and preparing for her multiple surgeries the day after, she found a small note taped to a small electronic device called a 'gameboy' reading:

"Don't let yourself forget what it's like to be sixteen."

Though she had never played with a gameboy when she was sixteen (which was three years ago), she decided to take his advice and play with the toy. Now if only she could figure out how the buttons worked…

When Sakura had called Kakashi for advice after Ino called her inviting her for a night out, he had just sat on her bed politely as she threw clothing out of her closet with mutters of 'no, no, nope.' And when she found a sleeveless black dress and asked if it was sexy enough, he simply smiled.

"Any piece of clothing can be sexy with a quietly passionate woman inside it."

And he was right. She walked off with more phone numbers than Ino that night.

When she and Kakashi sat at Ichiraku one night, exchanging stories of old times, she asked why Naruto had won the match instead of Neji in the Chunnin Exams. Besides the lengthy (yet surprisingly interesting) lecture, he gave her this.

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."

When Kakashi finally appeared in Tsunade's office (after two whole hours) with his mission report, Sakura asked him why as he got his paycheck, he smiled at her.

"If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done."

And after the explanation, he ruffled her hair and disappeared into a cloud of smoke.

And when Sakura opened the drawer in Kakashi's hospital room (having just got back from a mission) for her birthday present only to find Icha Icha Paradise, she turned to the silver-haired man wearing his jounin uniform and looking in an orange paperback, she held up the book, cursing vehemently at him while slipping in the question of 'why', he simply turned the page before smiling at her benignly.

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

And with that, he handed her the real gift, a bouquet of roses, but he still recommended her to keep the book. Sakura simply rolled her eyes and walked out the door with both gifts in her hand.

She really shouldn't have given him that book of quotes for his birthday last year.


	2. The Let-Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was not what they had expected when Kakashi's face was finally revealed.

Title: The Let-Down  
Rating: T (bordering M)  
Genre: Humor/ General  
Word count: 1,124  
Summary: This was not what they had expected when Kakashi's face was finally revealed.

* * *

 

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Maybe--dammit, that wouldn't work either.

With a defeated sigh, 19-yr-old Haruno Sakura gave up. There was just no way. There was no way she'd ever beat him!

It all started when Naruto came up with the idea that she and him should attempt to unmask him once more, for old time's sake. They would've included Sasuke, but he was still a missing-nin and they couldn't include Sai because he wasn't there the first time they tried and replacing Sasuke's rightful place with Sai for this was too cold. And so, the mission:Unmask Hatake Kakashi had begun.

It had been fun at first. Setting up the traps, staking out and watching their prey, reliving old memories when they were still genin and Sasuke was still here, but time passed and they could only watch on in shock and disappointment as he had simply side-stepped every attempt and trap they set for him.

Sakura had to wonder how that had happened. After all, some of those traps had been really good. Even some top-rank jounin fell for them (they apologized profusely to Neji and Tenten afterwards).

First had been the camera inside the Icha Icha Paradise book, but it got a picture of something else. (Naruto was still throwing up from the image.)

The second try was one they had tried before. They bought him a bowl of ramen at Ichiraku. It had worked, but then Ino barged in once more and in the fight, he had once again evaded their attempt (but Ayame had seen and paid the two of them with a free bowl). Oh well, at least it was just Ino and not Shikamaru and Chouji too.

The third try was similar to the one about paint before, but seeing how they would look suspicious with a can of paint and how much noise it would make, they decided a different route. They'd give him a nosebleed.

Really, he  _was_  a pervert and perverts get nosebleeds when something sex-related is placed in front of them, but they probably shouldn't have used Jiraiya as their model. (That man could make anything dirty.) But they hadn't realized this until after they tried it.

And so, when Kakashi came for his physical, Sakura, clad in one of those naughty nurse outfits Naruto bought from an undisclosed (and she was glad of it) store, gave him his physical. It looked really nice actually, if you ignored the garter belts, plunging neckline that exposed her white bra and the fact it just barely covered her ass.

Unfortunately, it hadn't worked. Even with Naruto in that stupid jutsu of his helping her, it hadn't worked. Though he responded like any heterosexual male would, there was no nosebleed…at least, not from him. The janitors were mopping up blood all day that day at the hospital, the medics were taking care of the various shinobi suffering from blood-loss and the strange cases of broken limbs and people muttering about crazed bi-color-eyed demons.

The many tries afterwards weren't as colorful or embarrassing. After all, Sakura had threatened to castrate Naruto if he suggested something like that again or if one more guy pinched her scantily-clad ass. No, they mostly consisted of failed pitfalls and more attempts to see his face by treating him for food.

And after two whole weeks and a C-rank mission's paycheck (which could've have fed her for about a month), they had nothing to show for it. Sakura groaned in distaste and let her head fall back on the set of steps she sat on when she opened her eyes and screamed. "Ahhh!"

"Am I really that scary, Sakura-chan?"

"Kakashi, you're about as scary as Yamato's scary face. Only Naruto would be afraid."

"But if I remember correctly, you screamed when I glared at you."

"I was twelve and you had special effects on your side. You made storm clouds appear from nowhere, Kakashi! Nowhere!"

Kakashi simply chuckled and sat on the steps beside her. "So…care to tell me what you and Naruto are up to this time?"

She might as well tell him. It wasn't like they were getting anywhere. "We were trying to unmask you."

"Again?"

"Yes, again."

"…you could have just asked."

Sakura stared at him incredulously and felt him close her mouth for her. She shook her head. "You're serious?"

"Yes…" he said, his tone hinting that he was questioning her sanity at the moment.

"Then what's under your mask?" she asked excitedly before realizing something. "Are you just going to show me that mask you keep under your mask again?" she asked, glaring in annoyance.

"No." She looked at him skeptically and he sighed and rolled his eyes, muttering of how his students had such little faith in him before tugging down the fabric.

Sakura watched the fabric descend and held her breath. This was it. This was what she had been waiting seven years for. She watched the mask pool around his neck and looked at his face. He had a strong jaw line, his nose was straight, his skin was pale, his lips were thin, but full, and a lone scar ran down his eye. Sakura blinked. "Eh? That's it?"

Kakashi frowned. Now that Sakura saw the feared (yes, he was something to be fear, but only when angry) Hatake Kakashi frown along with the peeved look on his face, she nearly burst out laughing. It was just too cute!

"What?" He raised a hand to rub his chin. "I thought I had a rather nice face."

"You do, but we all expected you to have fish lips or beaver teeth or kissy lips!"

Kakashi's eye twitched slightly. "Kissy lips?"

"Yeah. Now that I see your face, I'm a bit disappointed."

"Kissy lips?"

"I just spent the last seven years wondering what you looked like under there, thinking you had some horrid disfigured face when it was completely normal!"

"Kissy lips?"

Sakura patted his knee. "Well, thanks for showing me your face, Kakashi. I'm going to find Naruto and tell him the news now. See ya!" she said over her shoulder as she bounded onto the rooftops.

Kakashi stared at the dirt in front of him, stunned. "Kissy lips?" He turned. "Hey Sakura…" But her spot was empty and he suddenly became aware of the eyes staring at him.

Pulling up his mask, he cleared his throat and pulled out his small orange novel and began walking down the street thinking of how disappointed he was at her reaction before turning the page and giggling.


	3. Tambourine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He got way in over his head when he walked onto the dance floor and just what the hell was a tambourine?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, out of all the things I've written for this collection, this one in particular makes me cringe. But it was in the original, so I guess I'm keeping it here too. As for the song itself, it was from my MTV-days, okay?

Title: Tambourine  
Rating: M (for the song Tambourine by Eve and the ending)  
Genre: Humor/ Romance, I guess?  
Word Count: 1,555  
Summary: He got way in over his head when he walked onto the dance floor and just what the hell was a tambourine?

* * *

 

Music flooded the small corner street bar as the speakers pumped out a bass line and people jumped onto the dance floor. In the moving lights, you could make out the various faces of people and in the corner opposite the room from the dance floor sat a familiar shinobi, alcohol in his system as he gazed out on the dance floor. Who was this man? Why, none other than our lovable Copy Nin, Hatake Kakashi.

Kakashi watched from his small booth, a small dish in his hand as Gai and Genma roared in laughter around him, both fairly soused from the alcohol courtesy of the communal bottle in the middle of the table. He turned his head to the other two at the table, Iruka and Raidou. Strange, seeing how Raidou usually never came to these get-togethers and Iruka rarely touched alcohol. Then again, maybe his upcoming wedding with Ayame, the ramen girl, had something to do with it.

_You gotta shake your ass!_

As he raised the dish close to his lips and his other hand grabbed his mask, the music changed and out of the corner of his eye, he saw a flash of pink. Focusing his eye, he watched the purple light flash over the crowd and for a brief moment, he saw a woman with her hair in a ponytail, eyes closed as she rocked her body to the rhythm of the music. The blue light flashed off her gold bangles and she opened her eyes to writhe within the group of people in the dance floor.

_Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and..._

_Shake your tambourine; go and..._   


Kakashi outright stared at the woman dancing on the dance floor. That could not be Sakura. Sweet, innocent, adorable (and slightly prudish) Haruno Sakura, but sure enough, in the flash of white light from above, the pink hair and beryl eyes confirmed it was indeed his former student.

_Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and..._  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...

The music reached him through the haze of alcohol clouding his mind. It was some foreign song. Though he understood every word the singer spoke, he couldn't understand it. He knew a Maserati was a car and that a tambourine was a musical instrument, but he felt like tambourine meant something else here. That being said (or rather, thought), what the hell was a tambourine?

_E.V.E. come through in da Maserati  
Doin it big like I live in da Taj Mahal,  
talk shit, and I don't get in da blah da blah  
ha, dats why dey lovin, ahh_

_dats real, when da chick dat they talk about_  
goddamn is da words dat come out dey mouth  
she look good always, without a doubt  
ask for her, she back and cakin out

He watched her move. She was surprisingly graceful, though that was probably due to the fact she was a kunoichi. Her moves were fluid and her lids were lowered as she rocked her hips.

His mind reeled as he tried to link this image of Sakura to the one he had known since she was a genin, but it was impossible. There was absolutely no way that former-Uchiha-Sasuke-lover-and-now-workaholic-medic Haruno Sakura be related to the woman who was moving her body in ways that he had only seen in dreams. Suddenly, her eyes locked with his and the front of his pants became less roomy than he remembered.

_Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and..._  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  


If Genma or the others noticed his discomfort, they didn't show it. Probably too drunk off their asses to even remember their names, let alone notice.

She crooked a finger, beckoning to him and his breath hitched at the sultry look in her eye. She moved away from her current partner to give him a flirty smile, and though his mind screamed at him to stop, to exercise his legendary self-control and remember his morals, his legs moved, his morals forgotten and his self-control drowned in liquor.

_So they be watchin while we wiggle around  
look at dem droolin, niggrs ain't used to dis sound_

  
_I keep em movin, all ma ladies put ya hands in da air_   
_it's all right now we gonna keep you on ya feet da whole night now_   
_pop dem bottles, yea drink dat up man_   


  
_got you feelin crazy yea dat was da plan_   
_waitin for me wasn't ready for dis_   
_he got da game sewn up, know I'm talkin bout Swizz_   


  
_yeah I know u wanna fight it but why would you try_   
_we got dem shakin everything from da hood to Dubai_   
_yea we do it big man why would we lie?_   


He stepped onto the dance floor, dodging the men and women grinding against each other and stood before her awkwardly. She chuckled and smiled up at him. "Aren't you going to dance?"

He grunted unintelligently, lost in her scent. Jasmine and something else. He couldn't exactly name it, but it was her. When he noticed her looking at him, he coughed. "Oh yeah. Right."

He moved his legs and arms and tried to do what everyone else was doing, but his motions were too angular. After a minute of public embarrassment, he gave up. He failed; she laughed.

"Can't you dance?" she asked.

"Yes," he answered.

"Really?" she asked skeptically.

"Salsa, tango, waltz, I can even do lindy-hop, but this," he said motioning to the crowd, "is beyond me."

Sakura covered her mouth as she laughed, saying something about his sharingan before pressing her body against his, arms reaching behind her to intertwine behind his neck.

_c'mon... (1, 2, 3 everybody!)_

Her body pressed against his and he bit back a groan as her hips rolled against him. She looked back at him when she noticed him not dancing. "Just follow the beat, sensei. Let go." And despite his better judgment, despite how his breathing was becoming a bit labored and something other than alcohol was fogging his mind, he let go.

_Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and..._  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  
Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and...  


He began moving his hips in time with hers, inwardly smiling as she hummed and writhed against his chest. Smiling, she pressed her hips against him and smiled at his sharp intake of air, but gasped when he grabbed her hips and ground into her body.

_Get low, get low then pick up, pick up  
Get your hands in the air it's a stick-up, stick-up_

  
_Shake your tambourines move it quicker, quicker_   
_Shake it down in town get the pitch up, pitch up_   
_Shake it shake it to the floor, gotta love dat_   
_How she keep it goin' on you know you love dat_   


_Shake it shake it to the floor you gotta love dat_

_get ya ass on da dance floor_

_dance on da dance floor_

  
_move em out da way_   
_if they ain't doin it how you want y'all_   
_you ain't gotta ask me_   
_c'mon, don't need my permission_   
_y'all heard, what you waitin for?_   


  
_Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and..._   
_Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and..._   
_Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and..._   
_Shake your tambourine; go and get yourself a whistle and..._   


Sakura turned to face him, fisting her hands in the front of his vest and grinned at him. "Say, Kakashi…"

"Huh?" he asked distractedly.

"Will you play my tambourine tonight?" she asked. He grinned under his mask. He still had no idea what tambourine meant, but he had a feeling he was going to like it.


	4. The Agreement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things are better left under the rug…or forgotten in a drunken haze. (Inspired by beautyinsleep's Stake)

Title: The Agreement  
Rating: K+  
Genre: Humor/Drama  
Word Count: 488  
Summary: Some things are better left under the rug…or forgotten in a drunken haze. (Inspired by beautyinsleep's Stake)

_Disclaimer: Do Not Own Naruto_

* * *

 

"Well, this is awkward."

"…"

"Come on, it isn't all bad."

"…says you."

"No, really. It isn't."

A pause, and then, "This is all your fault."

An incredulous look crosses his face. "My fault?" he asks, a finger pointing to himself as his mind reels with the words.

"Yes. Your fault!" the woman across from him shouts before she crosses her arms across her chest and glares at him.

"How is it my fault?"

"I don't know! It just is! You're the one who told me to do this. You even told me that for my sake, you were going to join!"

"And?"

"And? This is your fault, old man!" Beryl eyes flash dangerously in the dim lights of the bar.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't the woman running this little program pick the couplings?"

"Yes…"

"And wasn't it you that came to me, talking about how Ino told you that you have no social life outside the hospital and you asked if I thought it was true?"

"Yes, but…"

"And didn't you agree to my suggestion?"

"Yes, but only because you said you'd join with me so I didn't feel alone!" she screams.

"Sakura-chan, people are staring," the man smiles before sipping his glass of water.

"I don't care," Sakura mutters and tiredly props her hand up and rests her head in it. "I still can't believe I wound up with you, of all people!"

"I'm hurt, Sakura-chan. Do you really think that low of me?"

She looks up and starts to shake her hands in chorus to her head. "No, of course not. It's just…it's just…why you, sensei?"

Kakashi looks up and thinks. "It is a bit strange…" he agrees.

"Something must be wrong with those surveys we took."

"Or maybe a higher power has deigned that the two of us should pursue a romantic relationship and spawn, thus procreating the species. Granted, it won't be much, but I'd like to think I contributed to the world somehow."

Silence. He draws circle in the small pool of water by his finger. "So…see any good movies yet?"

She shakes her head and begins to rub her temples. "I can't believe you just said that."

"You know, I can't believe I said that either."

She nods and looks up at him. "Let's agree to never speak of this again."

"Agreed. Want to grab a beer?"

"Okay."

And the two walk out of the small bar, past the sign tables of other couples, past the woman smiling with fake cheer and a bell in her hand, and to the bar just two blocks down and across the street, completely ignoring the sign that stood by the door saying  _Singles Night Tonight, Speed Dating!_


	5. Act Your Age

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The person who said you're only as old as you feel, should have been shot.

Title: Act Your Age  
Rating: K+  
Genre: Humor/ slight Romance  
Word Count: 401  
Summary: The person who said you're only as old as you feel, should have been shot.

_Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto._

* * *

 

It was a sunny, blue-skied day when Ino asked, "Hey Forehead, how old do you think your sensei is?"

When Sakura opened her mouth to reply, she found her mind blank. Truth be told, she wasn't exactly sure. "I don't know."

The man named Hatake Kakashi was a mystery to say the least. Sometimes, he acted with the wisdom of old man (but she doubted he was 60), and sometimes, he acted like an immature 6-yr-old brat and she was sure that if she averaged the two numbers together, it wouldn't be his age.

Hours later, as she walked alone in the training fields, she began to think.  _'Maybe his medical records?'_  But those weren't a reliable source. They hadn't been updated in years and his birth date had been smudged by split coffee from a medic five years ago.

Thinking back, he looked to be in his twenties, but he could've been one of those few people that were old, but looked young, so maybe he was in his thirties when she was a genin. When she first met him, he didn't exactly act twenty, he acted like a perverted 30-yr-old and still acted the same to this day.

He couldn't be forty because his hair wasn't graying (but then again, with his hair already grey, it'd be hard to tell). He definitely wasn't fifty since he was still going on high-ranked missions and getting cut up all the time.

And she continued to think about his possible age as she walked, pondering this age or that one, only to be shot down by her practicality or her medical know-how. And so, when he appeared before her, his voice unusually high and his gait awkward as he sweated and fidgeted and tugged on his mask, asking if they could get a drink together or something in a round-about way, she snapped.

"Dammit, Kakashi! First you go around acting like your sixty, then six, then thirty, then twenty-something, and now you're acting like some love-sick teen! Act your damn age!"

And as Kakashi watched the girl stomp away, leaving craters in her wake, he had to wonder what he had done recently to upset her so much.


	6. The Examination

Title: The Examination  
Rating: T  
Genre: Humor/ Drama  
Word Count: 957  
Summary: Kakashi, for all his genius, forgot one very important part of the exam.

_Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto._

* * *

 

Haruno Sakura stood at her desk as she neatly stacked a bunch of patient files in the hospital. She liked her job as a medic. She helped people and she always had a challenge for her, whether it be an arm with its chakra system cut or a splinter.

She also had a wonderful view. Outside her window, she could see a bird fly over the Hokage monument and fellow shinobi bound over rooftops in the clear blue sky. She smiled to herself as she tucked away the folders in a file cabinet and looked up as a nurse said her first patient of the day had arrived.

Sakura thanked the girl and walked purposefully through the halls that bustled with visitors and orderlies carrying papers. Today's workload wouldn't be too hard. Just a few physicals and a few follow-ups.

The twenty-yr-old turned to the third door on her left and walked into the room.

This room was like all the other examination rooms. White cabinets over white countertops, various accoutrements inside clear containers, and near the middle of the room, the examination table and on it, her first patient of the day.

"Hello Kakashi."

The 34-yr-old man looked up and smiled. "Yo."

She walked into the room and began writing in his file. "Any reason as to why you've decided to grace the hospital with your presence?"

"Tsunade-hime said if I didn't get my physical this year, I wouldn't get mission for the rest of the year."

"But it's April," she said over her shoulder.

"I know."

Sakura turned back to face him. "Alright, take off your shirt."

Kakashi nodded and began to shed his jounin vest and shirt and sat still as she examined his heart and lungs before following the small flashlight. The light flashed into his ears and his eyes before she said to take off his mask. He obeyed; after all, she'd seen his face already during a drunken bender. Seeing how she didn't really seem to care afterwards, he trusted her enough to reveal his face when they were alone together like talk at her apartment or medical visits at his.

As she shined the light down his throat and asked him to do a few other menial things, he asked, "Will this take long?"

"Why? Do you have something better to do?" she replied, scribbling something into his file.

"Yes. People to kill, books to read."

"I doubt Icha Icha could be classified as 'something better to do'."

"Maybe to you, but it's my 'something better to do,' though I will forgive you for that insensitive comment if you hurry this up," he said with a smile.

Sakura looked at him skeptically. "Have I really hurt you with my comment?"

"You've irreparably scarred me with your callousness."

"Really?" she asked with mirth.

"I believe you're getting a kick out of this."

"Well, if I've scarred you with my words, shouldn't I expand my sadistic endeavors?"

"I didn't realize I was talking with Ibiki," he replied and she matched him with ease. "I doubt that Ibiki would wear pink lipstick," she commented before pulsing chakra through his legs and murmuring about his reflexes.

"Besides, you send children crying to their mothers everyday with you reading that book in front of them and you don't seem to mind emotionally scarring them."

"They're young; they'll manage. I'm an old man; I get my entertainment where I can."

"You're 34," Sakura reminded, telling him to stand.

Kakashi stood and shed his pants and sandals at her medical order before she frowned and gave him a medical gown to change in. He sighed and did as he was told. The faster he complied, the faster he could possibly get out and read, drink, do anything, but be in a hospital. As pleasant as it sounded to be in a small room with the smell of bleach and other questionable liquids, he had other things to do…like be somewhere else…or read Icha Icha.

"Walk from here to the door and back."

He nodded deftly and walked to the door and on his way back, he asked, "So how's being a medic?"

"It's alright," she said noncommittally before writing something in the file. Just what was she writing? "Why do you ask?"

"Kill time."

"You can't just care about your former student?" she asked with a raised brow.

"I could, but I'd like to treat everyone fairly."

"By not caring about them in general," she said cynically.

He smiled beneath the mask now resting on his face. "Exactly."

With a roll of her eyes and a disapproving 'Hmm,' she told him to stand against the wall and measured his height before measuring his weight.

"Okay, you're 181 cm and 67.5 kilograms," she told him and wrote the measurements in his file and turned to Kakashi who grinned gleefully. "So I'm done, right?" he asked, already in the middle of grabbing all his clothes together.

"You're very eager," she said with a hidden smirk under her smile, a malicious glint in her eyes. Unfortunately, he was already tugging his shirt over his head. "Hmm."

"But…"

He looked up from his shirt (having put it on inside-out by mistake and was currently correcting the problem). "Hm?" he asked.

"You forgot something, Kakashi-sempai," she said sweetly.

Kakashi looked up in slight confusion when he heard the loud 'snap' of a rubber glove and his back tensed.

Sakura smiled at him sweetly, a small tube in one hand, the glove adorning the other. "I still need to do your prostate exam."


	7. Curiosity Killed the Cat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was entirely his fault.

Title: Curiosity Killed the Cat  
Rating: M for Genma.  
Genre: Humor/ Drama  
Word Count: 1,075  
Summary: This was entirely  _his_  fault.

* * *

 

This was his fault. This was entirely his fault. Dammit, why had he let him talk him into this? Sure, it seemed innocent enough. Genma invited him for a walk to the bar. Normally, he'd just go by himself, but Genma said that if he did, he'd pay. He should've realized that right then and there, he was in trouble.

So they started walking, talking about recent missions and showing off their various new scars when Genma made a left turn. Normally, they'd go right, so when he asked what Genma was doing, the man just said he was just going to do something first. When he asked what, the senbon-sucking man simply grinned and asked if he was coming. Curious as to what Genma was doing (he'd never snuck around like this), he said yes.

The two walked down the street, only two blocks away from where he agreed to come when he saw a familiar bush of white hair and Genma grinned. "Hey Jiraiya!

Jiraiya turned back with a glare. "Keep it down! Do you want to get your ass skewered that badly, Shiranui?" he hissed before turning to the other man. "Kakashi? This is a surprise? Did you come to join us? I knew you'd come around one day. After all, you're my number one fan."

But before Kakashi could reply, Genma and Jiraiya were already crouched together in a bush peering into the hole in the fence. Steam rolled up and the familiar tickle reached his ears along with snippets of conversation. Just where was he? Why none other than one of Jiraiya's favorite research areas: the women's baths.

Genma and Jiraiya giggled incessantly as they stared through the small peephole in the wooden fence. Kami, how could a sannin and an exam official be reduced to a bunch of school girls so easily?

Kakashi sighed, one hand over his chest as the other one was cradled by his arm at the elbow and his fingers touched his hitai-ate. "Genma, I'm gonna head over to the bar now."

"Huh? Yeah, sure," Genma said before waving his friend off. The jounin simply sighed once more and began his journey to the bar, his ears still hearing Genma's lewd comments such as 'Look at the rack on that chick!' or 'Man, I wanna tap that ass' or the simple 'Da-a-amn.' He was only fifty feet away when Genma began a detailed fantasy of one of the woman bathing, the scratching of Jiraiya's pencil in the background when he heard it. "-and then I'd bury my hands in that girl's…PINK HAIR?"

Quick as a flash, Kakashi appeared by the gaping duo. "What?"

"You got here awful fast," Jiraiya noted.

"I'm serious, Hatake. Pink hair." Genma stole another peek. "Damn, you have one hot former student on your hands."

Kakashi shook his head, clearing the shock form his system. "It could just be a woman with her hair dyed pink."

"Well, if she did dye it, she dyed it down there too," Genma said with a lecherous grin.

"Well, in any case, it can't be Sakura," Kakashi stated. Genma just nodded absentmindedly and licked his lips. "Well, whoever she is, she has a real nice ass."

"Says the guy who will fuck anything that wears a skirt," Kakashi snorted. Jiraiya grinned. "I think I have my latest book. Man and his best friend see the man's old friend. The best friend wants to do her, the man wants to protect her. Very good. Keep going."

Genma scowled. "Not true. I don't do guys."

Jiraiya looked up. "But I thought you and Raidou...last Christmas."

"We were both drunk," Genma countered.

"You still did him," Kakashi pointed out and Genma grumbled something under his breath. Jiraiya looked up from his notepad. "Anyway, Kakashi, aren't you curious about the girl? I mean, pink hair has to make you think of your student and you have got to be wondering if it really is her or not."

Jiraiya had him there. He was curious. Not about how great her body looked, but if it really was his student in there. That way, he'd know if he should beat the shit out of Genma or not.

Kakashi walked over to Genma who looked up and scootched over for him. The silver-haired man squatted down and peered into the hole.

The bath was rather empty, the only person inside being the pink-haired woman (he'd say Sakura when he was sure it was Sakura). Through the steam, he could make out the entrance to the changing room and the rock formations. Sitting against one of rocks was the pink-haired woman. Her eyes were closed and pink strands peeked out from under her white towel. Her expression was serene and he watched through the rising stream as a water droplet rolled from her shoulders down her collarbone, down pale skin, to fall into the valley of her breasts and become part of the pool once more. Curiously, he was more curious about how that pale skin would taste more than how wrong it was to be thinking of his former student this way.

Lost in his thoughts, he hadn't noticed the shadow clone disappear or the shadow creeping just on the other side of the fence until a beryl eye stared into his and he felt his Adam's apple bob. The eye flashed with anger.

"Kami! Dammit Jiraiya, I thought we told you to stop looking into the women's baths! And you better stop writing or drawing or whatever you're doing!" The scratching of the pencil behind him suddenly stopped and Sakura's voice continued. "Just wait until I tell Tsunade about this!" Suddenly, a tree branch snapped and they all looked up to see Genma's face fall.

"Shit," he muttered under his breath and jumped down just in time to escape the wrath of Sakura's chakra-laden fist. "Kami-sama; run, Hatake!"

Kakashi watched Genma run, Jiraiya already leaving them to literally eat his dust, and heard Sakura's indignant cry. "Kakashi-sensei? You were peeping on me too! Argh!"

And he ran away from the baths just as the fence exploded into sawdust and splinters and Sakura, clad in only a towel, chased after him.

Curiosity killed the cat. Luckily, Kakashi wasn't a cat…

"Come back here, Kakashi!" Sakura screamed as she demolished yet another tree in her path. Kakashi's eye widened and he pushed his legs to run faster.

…but he still might die anyway.


	8. Getting Older

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With age comes wisdom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quote comes from Lethal Weapon.

Title: Getting Older  
Rating: T  
Genre: Humor/ General  
Word Count: 430  
Summary: With age comes wisdom.

* * *

 

When he turned one, his father gave him a stuffed animal he got on his way back from a mission for his birthday.

When he turned four, he was shoved into the mud by one of the older kids of the academy.

When he turned 10, he tasted enemy blood in his mouth for the first time.

When he turned 12, he had his first sip of alcohol and woke up to his first-hangover the next morning.

When he turned 13, he met his eternal rival and suffered irreparable emotional scarring afterwards.

When he turned 15, he lost his virginity to a prostitute in the Land of Waves.

When he turned 16, he led his first Anbu mission and lost half of his six-man team from an ambush during their short-lived premature celebration on a mission well done.

When he turned 18, he found himself in a darkened jail cell with iron prods burning the skin of his thighs.

When he turned 21, he seduced a man for the first time for an A-ranked assassination mission.

When he turned 27, Sakura got her first period and with her parents gone on vacation and every female jounin he knew on a mission, he was left to deal with the mess (both metaphorically and physically).

When he turned 30, he ran around the village naked (save for his mask and hitai-ate) after losing a challenge to his eternal rival.

And now, he sat in his seat in a small corner booth at the back of a shinobi-hangout/ bar as he celebrated his 35th birthday.

The smell of cigarettes and liquor reached his nose as massive amounts of perfume stung at his eyes. Fingers grabbed and clutched his clothing as male shinobi gave him envious glances and he could only roll his eyes as an inebriated Anko, Kurenai, Ino, and Tenten propositioned him while his 19-yr-old ex-student, Haruno Sakura squirmed in his lap, positioning a cheesy party hat over his mop of silver hair as she giggled and kissed whatever part of him was left open to her. And with a tired heavy sigh, he quoted a very wise man.

"I'm too old for this shit."


	9. Straight as an Arrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The repercussions were inevitable once his sexual preferences were called into the question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In explanation for the end, when they are fired at a target, the shaft wobbles in the air. (proven on an episode of Mythbusters.) Inspired a line in Keeping Your Nerve by ShipperTrish

Title: Straight as an Arrow  
Rating: T  
Genre: Humor/General  
Word count: 903  
Summary: The repercussions were inevitable once his sexual preferences were called into the question.

* * *

 

"I think he's straight."

"No way, Raidou. The man is completely gay!"

"Just because he doesn't fuck everything with a hole and boobs, doesn't mean he's gay, Genma."

"Haha Anko, but the guy is completely gay. He hasn't touched a girl in half a year now and he's been hanging around us guys a little too long, if you know what I mean."

Anko rolled her eyes in the dim lights of the bar. They were sitting at the usual booth with the usual group of people: Iruka, Kurenai, Raidou, Genma, Gai, and herself.

"Izumo and Kotetsu are always around each other, but it doesn't mean they're gay," Iruka reasoned.

"Actually, they are gay. We all found out at last year's Christmas party," Raidou reminded, shuddering at the memory of seeing the two in the act inside of a broom closet.

"Oh right."

"See, that proves it!" Genma exclaimed, his senbon perched precariously at the corner of his mouth.

"Would you guys stop talking about me like I'm not here?"

Oh right, Kakashi was there too.

Gai clapped Kakashi's shoulder, the spandex-clad man's voice bellowing in his ear. "We are sorry, my youthful rival, but it is within our youthful behavior as an endeavor to question you on your youthful endeavors."

"Discussing my sex life should not be a considered an endeavor of youth, Gai."

"Whatever," Anko said dismissively. "What do you think, Kurenai?" she asked the single mother.

"I think he's more into his books than the real thing." At the glare sent her way, she put her hands up to show no harm. "Sorry, Kakashi, but we almost always see you with your nose buried in that book and it makes a person wonder…"

"What about you, Iruka?"

At this, everyone turned to the Academy teacher expectantly and he shrank into his seat slightly. Reaching up, he tugged on his shirt collar and cleared his throat. "I think he's bisexual."

"Iruka!"

The brown-haired man flinched. "Sorry, Kakashi, but you do seem to-"

"No way!" interrupted Genma. "There is no way he's bi!"

Anko tapped her chin, head held high as she mulled over the words and pondered thoughtfully. "Actually, it does make sense…"

"You know, you might be onto something," Kurenai murmured.

"Now that I think about it…"

"Not you too, Raidou!" Genma shouted in exasperation. Gai laughed heartily and clapped his rival on the shoulder once more, face slightly flushed from his consumption of alcohol. "See my rival, we have now figured out your youthful path. Don't be ashamed; be proud of your youthful path!"

"But-"

"I still think he's gay," said Genma, sulking in his seat.

"I'm not gay!"

"Then you admit you're bisexual," Anko quipped.

"I'm not bi!"

Raidou placed his hand on Kakashi's other shoulder and sighed. "Kakashi, there's a time in every man's life when he has to admit he's-"

"I'm not gay or bi and before you ask, I am not limited to my books, Kurenai."- The ruby-eyed woman quickly shut her mouth at the edge to his tone-"I'm straight. I repeat: I. Am. Straight."

Anko scoffed and Genma roared in laughter with the rest of the table as Gai tried to calm and reassure his seething rival. Even Iruka had to stifle a small snicker.

Kakashi slammed his book onto the table, effectively halting the laughter. "Stop it. I'm straight-"

"Straight as an arrow?" questioned Genma.

"Straight as an arrow and I'm going to prove it," stated Kakashi as he slid from their booth. Anko shared worried glances with her table. "Wait, Kakashi. We were just kidding. You don't have to-"

"Yes, I do. You've made it perfectly clear that I have to," he said as he walked with purpose towards the bar counter.

A light-haired woman chatted with her friend as she spun the half-empty glass in her hand. She felt a small tap on her bare shoulder and turned her seat and opened her mouth to ask when she felt lips crushed upon hers, the hands on her arms stopping her from escaping as she felt their owner plunder her mouth and steal her senses away.

When they finally released her and she regained use of her brain, eyes half-lidded and a dreamy smile on her face as her blonde companion spluttered in the chair beside her, she looked up to see her former sensei fixing the corners of his mask. She gave him an indulgent smile. "What was that for?" she asked, her voice slightly breathless.

He chuckled softly, the laugh slightly dry from lack of air. The 33-yr-old never widened the small gap between them as he spoke. "I was proving to my friends that I was as straight as an arrow," he explained, swallowing as he tried to refill his lungs with air once more.

Sakura chuckled, her beryl eyes sparkling in the lights above them. "But sensei, don't you know?" she asked with a sultry smile.

"Know what?" he asked softly and he leaned forward to meet her as she whispered into his ear:

" _Arrows wobble when fired."_


	10. Damnation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He never had a chance.

Title: Damnation  
Rating: T  
Genre: Humor/General  
Word count:  
Summary: He never had a chance.

Inspired by nostalgic-maiden's Red from  **Of Cherry Blossoms and Copy Cats**

* * *

 "Look at him, poor guy."

"I know."

"He never stood a chance."

"How could he have?"

"He was doomed from the start."

"Ever since he stepped foot into the room."

"Pathetic."

Both Kurenai and Anko nodded to their superior, Tsunade as they sat at their table and raised their glasses for a toast of agreement before turning to the subject of their discussion.

Hatake Kakashi, 34-yr-old jounin and ex-Anbu captain, stood at the east wall of the bar talking to his companion. His legs were deftly crossed as he rested his left forearm against the red wall to prop himself up as another quip sent his friend into giggles. Anyone looking at the scene would've thought him to be in casual conversation with the petite woman beside him, but his friends knew different. His shoulders were slightly tensed and his spine was straightened. A thin sheen of sweat was visible on his brow and his posture betrayed a slight sense of nervousness and the three women knew why.

It was because of her.

Haruno Sakura, 20-yr-old apprentice of Tsunade and fellow jounin to Mitarashi Anko and Yuuhi Kurenai, stood just under Kakashi's left arm as she smiled and laughed and threw back her own witty banter to the copy-nin. With her skill, she was a woman to be reckoned with, but it wasn't that she could hold her own that had done him in, it was what she wore.

Encasing Sakura's body was every woman's must-have: the little black dress. Hers was a spaghetti-strap dress that hugged each of her curves to stop mid-thigh, accompanied by a pair of black heels that accentuated the length of her legs. Around her neck was a gold necklace and pair of matching earrings, along with the gold hair ornament in her messy bun. With the red lipstick that made her lips sheen and her natural blush, it was a recipe for disaster and he fell for it.

And as Tsunade, Kurenai, and Anko watched the painful scene, giving their own takes of how the night would end for the two, one thing was certain.

He never had a chance.

 


	11. Expectations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because life never seems to work out the way you thought it would.

Title: Expectations  
Rating: K  
Genre: Romance/ Humor  
Word count: 275  
Summary: Because life never seems to work out the way you thought it would.

* * *

 

Life was full of surprises. That was a fact. For instance, she never expected that Sasuke would really leave the village and leave her on a bench after giving her words of thanks.

She never expected to be able to demolish brick walls with only her pinky.

She never expected that Naruto would be that great of a friend, or for Sai to be so adorable for a guy who had no idea what it meant to be adorable.

She never expected to become one of the head medics of the hospital.

She never expected that she'd see her former sensei's unmasked face, or how good-looking he was.

And she never expected herself to get married-though she dreamed of it as a child-and certainly not to the famed Copy Nin.

Life was full of surprises, and being a kunoichi, she was taught to expect every possible outcome, but imagine her expression when she told Kakashi she was pregnant with his child.

And now, as she stared at the man on the floor, slowly regaining consciousness after stuttering like a fool and gasping like a fish out of water before fainting who was now staring wide-eyed as a shaking hand pointed at her as his mouth fumbled with the words 'you're pregnant,' that she had to place her hands on her hips and raise a brow with a noncommittal "Huh."

Out of all the things that could've happened, she certainly hadn't been expecting that.


	12. Misconceptions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wasn't the fall that killed you, but the landing, and he had to think that that logic applied to this situation also.

Title: Misconceptions  
Genre: Humor/ General  
Rating: K  
Word Count: 233  
Summary: It wasn't the fall that killed you, but the landing, and he had to think that that logic applied to this situation also.

* * *

 

_It is said that when you fall, you were automatically going to die. Anyone who believes it is wrong. It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing._

"Hi Kakashi-sensei!"

Kakashi turned around, startled from his thoughts before smiling at the girl before him as he desperately tried to ignore the fluttery feeling in his heart or the fact he wanted to run very,  _very_  far from her.

"Where are you taking me today, sensei?" she asked, glowing with joy at the prospect of doing something with her former sensei. Kami, she was cute.

"I don't know, Sakura-chan. Where do you want to go?"

"Well, I was thinking of…"

And as he steered her through the busy street while she talked of the latest thing she learned from Tsunade, he had to wonder. Using that logic, he had to think that maybe he hadn't  _fallen_ in love _…_

Sakura stopped suddenly and he stopped a step ahead of her, hand still resting on her back as she turned to him, still glowing with her brilliant smile as an idea struck her.

"I know where I want to go now. Let's spar today, Kakashi-sensei!"

…maybe he  _landed_  in it?


	13. Mischief under the Mistletoe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmas in Konoha and on this day, there is a certain tradition that they must all abide by…

Title: Mischief under the Mistletoe  
Genre: Humor/ General  
Rating: T (bordering M)  
Word Count: 1,001  
Summary: It's Christmas in Konoha and on this day, there is a certain tradition that they must all abide by…

* * *

 

Bi-colored eyes blinked in the dim lights of the bar, adjusting to it to see the flushed faces around him. How long had he been sitting here? And how much had he been drinking?

Gai's laughter splintered through the room and Kakashi flinched ever-so-slightly at the sound before focusing on his surroundings. Anko was sprawled over someone's lap (that wasn't a surprise since she was drunk), but the surprise was that it was  _Iruka_ , and not Genma. Then again, Genma was gone, and upon hearing a loud feminine laugh, he turned around to see a woman in said-man's lap with a teasing smile on her face.

Suddenly, Gai's laughter burst through his idle thoughts once more and decided to turn and look over Kurenai's shoulder to see how his "rival" was doing. As he thought, Gai was drunk. Not that he had any right to talk, but at least his face didn't look like a tomato and he wasn't roaring with laughter at everything that could be construed as _remotely_ funny.

Bracing his hand on the wooden tabletop, he looked back to Kurenai—the only real sober person at the table—and watched her nod, showing that she recognized his leave and would tell the others if they asked and began walking away from the table.

He was swaying slightly; the miniscule tipping of the room as he walked told him that. In his peripheral vision, he saw what else was happening at the bar. Naruto was playing another prank, this time the victim being the Inuzuka boy, and Chouji was eating a bag of potato chips as Shikamaru watched the next table over. Focusing his eyes, he saw it was Genma and who he realized now to be Inoichi's daughter.

Turning his head back, he watched Neji and Tenten sit at the bar as Sasuke, Hinata, and Shino carried a conversation on clan politics near the couple and both Naruto and Sai punch Sai in the face simultaneously at their table. Obviously the boy still had yet to understand that people didn't want to hear about genitalia—especially from him.

Shaking his head with a sigh (and a silent memo to get some self-help books for the boy and some fresh air for himself), he started towards the exit when he noticed something above his head. Standing under it, he pondered the green object he stood under. What was  _that?_  A plant? Why was a plant above the entry way? He understood the bar needed decoration, but honestly, a branch? He understood cheesy lanterns, small water fountains—scented candles, but a branch?

His mind raced as he stared up at the small plant, guests passing by him without a second glance when he saw a smear of red over pink.

"Sakura?"

And the smear of red turned to reveal green eyes, showing it was indeed her. She was wearing something red and white with black here and there. It left her shoulders bare and showed her legs. Idly, he wondered why she was wearing something like that when it was so cold, or why she was wearing it at all. She blinked up at him.

"Sensei, what are you doing here?"

"What's that?" Kakashi asked abruptly, pointing up at the small ornament hanging from the ceiling.

Sakura giggled behind her hand. "It's mistletoe, sensei. Can't you see it?"

He rubbed his eye and focused his gaze. "I guess I had a little too much to drink," he said with a nervous chuckle and a small scratch on the back of his masked neck. So that's what was…

Realizing he was standing like an idiot again, he let out a small embarrassed grin. Sakura didn't mind apparently, choosing to simply smile back and he nodded at her slightly, starting to walk past her towards the door when he heard her voice.

"Sensei…"

"Yes, Sakura-chan?" he asked turning over his shoulder to look at her as he asked himself if he had hallucinated that purr in her voice. Maybe he really did have too much to drink.

"Don't you know the tradition?" she asked and he shook his head.

"No," he said meekly, not really paying attention to anything once he saw the look in her eyes, one that made him feel strange all over, becoming even worse when she licked her lips.

And just as his heart rate began to speed up, he felt it skip as soft lips claimed his in a kiss that seared his nerves with pleasure and warmth. He felt her arms cradle his head, the touch causing a moan to spill forth as she brought him closer.

Feeling her push closer, he allowed himself to return the favor, letting his hands rest on her cloth-covered derriere to bring the small gap between them even smaller as he felt his fingers brush the fur trim of her outfit.

When they pulled away, both desperate for air and in need of a cold shower, she gave him a sultry smile before pushing away.

Watching her leave, he realized the fabric his fingers brushed against was part of a Sexy Santa outfit, a red sleeveless dress extending mid-thigh with white fur trim and matching boots with a wide black belt around her middle, a Santa hat completing the look.

And when she turned in the crowd to look back at him, the same predatory look in her eyes and sultry smile on her face, he had to wonder if the tingles in his system and the slight reeling of his mind really had anything to do with the amount of alcohol he drank.


	14. Just a Fling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And when he finally realized what had happened, all he could say to describe his situation was, "…Fuck."

Title: Just a Fling  
Genre: Humor/ Romance  
Word Count: 411  
Rating: T  
Summary: And when he finally realized what had happened, all he could say to describe his situation was, "…Fuck."

* * *

 

' _It's just a fling. It's just a fling,_ ' Hatake Kakashi told himself, ignoring the curious looks of passersby as he walked briskly through the streets. Not that he cared, now or ever, but today, he just couldn't deal with it. He didn't have time to play twenty questions. Not when he had a crisis on his hands.

' _It's just a fling! It's not like I lo-lo'_ —

He couldn't say it. He couldn't even think it. What they had didn't cross into that realm. It was just an attraction. It wasn't like actually he liked her or something…

…or enjoyed the way she smelled liked jasmine…

…or the way she would wrinkle her nose when she found him reading his Icha Icha…

…or when she'd come to check up on him…

…or the way she'd shake her head at him with an amused smirk…

…or her smile…

…or her laugh…

…or even—

' _No. No, no, no, no, no, no! I cannot be thinking about that. It's just an attraction. I mean, who wouldn't be attracted to her? She's smart, independent, caring, considerate, charming, witty, beautiful…'_

And he ground to a halt, the sound of dirt grinding against the rough pebbles beneath his sandals reaching his ears as clouds of dust rose and mingled with the sounds of the busy thoroughfare as his head spun. It made sense now. The sweating, the nervous laughter, the sincere smiles and warm glowing feeling in his heart like someone replaced it with a light bulb. The lingering touches, the erratic heartbeats, the heart attack he nearly had when he woke up after seeing her in his sleep, the stroke he had when he saw her this morning, and then he started laughing like a nervous idiot and ran away from her!

And he felt his heart sink in his chest, plummeting a good fifty feet before stopping and feeling surprisingly sober for a man in his situation as he stood in the middle of the street with his mind racing. Was there a way out? Could he somehow reverse it? But inside, he knew that there was no point. He was stuck. And at that moment, he could only sum up his thoughts and feelings about this new arrangement in one word.

"…Fuck."


	15. Jaded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cynicism was never so sweet.

Title: Jaded  
Genre: Humor/Drama  
Word Count:  
Rating: T  
Summary: Cynicism was never so sweet.

* * *

 

Thuds echoed as feet thundered in the dirt roads of Konoha, the clouds of dust rising up from the roads to a nose wrinkled in distaste.

"Takeshi! Let's go there!"

And they sped up in the streets as they knit their brows in irritation, past the fawning sighs and delighted squeals filling the air as the large paper bag hammered against her leg with every tense step she took.

' _Stupid Valentine's Day. Stupid couples. Stupid honmei-choco. Stupid tomo-choco. Stupid giri-choco,'_  the girl thought angrily as she stormed through the streets towards her destination.

.

.

.

Kakashi sat peacefully in his apartment, the sounds of the small clock on the shelf above his bed filling his ears as a bird twittered outside his window. It was a Saturday and more importantly, one of the few days he found himself not in danger of being skewered by a sharp metallic object or being blown to bits. What was he going to do with this rare day off? He was going to have some well-deserved Kakashi time, and that meant sitting on his small worn couch and curling up comfortably with his newest copy of Icha Icha.

As he began flipping through the title pages and acknowledgements to get to the actual book, a knock on the door was heard before it was abruptly slammed inward, and he winced at the splintering where a foot was recently placed. Even though he had moved into his new apartment from his old one ("his closet" as his former students affectionately called it) two years ago, he still had yet to be forgiven by his landlord from last year's incident of Naruto breaking the fire escape and he was certainly not going to be pleased with this.

"Kakashi-sensei!"

At the sharp bark, he tensed and addressed his new guest, back noticeably straighter as he did so. "Sakura-chan," he offered with a meek wave, "what are you doing here?"

"We're making chocolate," she said firmly, swinging her bag as small items flew through the sky and Kakashi looked up in thought. Oh right, it was Valentine's Day as well.

A clatter in his kitchen was heard and he turned his head, heart plummeting as he heard her dump the contents of her paper bag onto his kitchen table. If he wanted to salvage any chance of having this day to himself, he was going to have to stop her now.

"Sakura-chan," he began walking into the kitchen, "as much as I would like to make chocolates with you—and I really would!—isn't there anyone else you'd rather make them with?"

At the flat look she gave him, it was obvious the answer was no. "Hinata is on cloud nine since Naruto is taking her on a date, Ino-pig is off with her new boy toy, Sasuke is off procreating with his wife, Tenten is off with Neji training, Lee is with Gai on a mission, Tsunade is in a drunken stupor with Jiraiya, Genma, and Shizune, Shikamaru is in Suna with Temari, and I am  _not_  going to degrade myself by crawling all the way to Sai just for him to call me a hag before I punch him through the stratosphere."

' _Ouch,'_  was what went through his mind, but it was another word that escaped his lips.

"Oh," he said as he watched Sakura maneuver around his kitchen. She was wearing a pink apron he did not remember seeing (or having) before. In her hands was a large bowl filled with chocolate pieces and she placed it over the opening of a pot of boiling water. Though satisfied with her work, it was clear she wasn't satisfied with other things. She turned to him with a scowl.

"I don't get it," she said with her arms crossed over her chest. Kakashi calmly flipped a page of his book. It had been a hopeless endeavor anyway.

"Don't get what?" he asked half-listening, half-not as he focused on Junko's current escapade, a virgin who apparently had strange-colored hair and large green eyes. He shook his head. Now that couldn't be right. Sakura gave an irritated sigh and pouted her lips.

"Why does Valentine's Day matter so much? It's just a corporate gimmick so candy manufacturers can get our hard-earned money while we get generic chocolates, and since we give them to everyone and everyone gets one, they make more money on one day than I'll ever make in a lifetime! I don't get it! It's just chocolate. What makes it so special today? And we give stupid little names for it! Giri-choco: obligation chocolate. Tomo-choco: friend chocolate. Honmei-choco: chocolate for loved ones. What's next? Nuke-choco: chocolate for the adorable missing-nin waiting to rip my guts out? And then, as if that wasn't enough, you walk outside and suffocate from the fluff floating around! You know I saw five different couples making out within twenty-feet of each other? Even little kids were kissing each other!" she shouted as she set the chocolate-covered crackers on the baking sheet lined with parchment paper before continuing. "But we'll show them! We don't need their machine-made chocolates. We'll make our own!"

It was at that moment that Kakashi stood and tapped her gently on her shoulder. She turned her head to see his mask pooled around his neck and despite what Team 7 thought of him before, he was actually quite handsome and briefly, she wondered if he had dimples.

"Sakura-chan?" he asked, watching as she started a bit.

"Yes, sensei?" she asked brightly as she placed another sheet of chocolates out to cool and tested their first batch. Kakashi placed his hand on the table to brace his weight.

"Sakura…this wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that you didn't get any chocolates, would it?" he asked gauging her reaction as he watched her pupils dilate and emotions flicker over her eyes. Her breathing was slightly uneven and sweat was beginning to form on her skin. She chuckled nervously.

"What? No; of course not, sensei. What—what ever made you think that?" she said as she quickly busied herself with the chocolate on the double-boiler. Kakashi moved to pick up an object from the kitchen table.

"Well, you dropped this chalk heart on your way in and there's a bunch of them in your bag," he said as he inspected the ill-looking lilac heart with the corny message of "B Mine," inscribed in a shade of red that clashed horribly with the already ill-fitting purple. Sakura became unusually quiet.

Looking up to ask if she was alright, it was at that moment that he felt something rebound off the back of his throat as she viciously shoved a chocolate into his mouth and told him to start eating.


	16. Shooting the Breeze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shooting the breeze just shot him in a whole new direction…

Title: Shooting the Breeze  
Genre: Humor/ General  
Rating: T  
Word Count: 854  
Summary: Shooting the breeze just shot him in a whole new direction…

_Disclaimer: Do Not Own Naruto._

* * *

 

It was a bright and sunny morning in Konoha, and with a small smile and yawn that made him curl his toes, Hatake Kakashi rose from his bed feeling outrageously well. Why was he so cheerful that particular morning? The birds were singing, the sky was blue, and he was still alive with the addition of a new volume of Icha Icha tucked away in his back pocket. Life was good.

After getting ready for the day and watering his potted plant, Mr. Ukki, he exited his apartment window and left for the Hokage tower where he sat in a room full of jounin and chunnin. Normally, there wouldn't be that many people in the tower, but today, Tsunade and Shizune were conducting an experiment and anyone with at least a chunnin-rank and 20 years of age and over was able to participate. In return, they'd receive some money for their troubles.

Now, being Kakashi, he decided that if the experiment was probably something simple (the village couldn't afford to lose the crowd of roughly 180 ninja in the room in an experiment, no matter how well it was doing now), and he was going to get paid for it, he might as well do it.

So as he sat in one of the empty chairs in the room and people were being to be called up one by one as others filled out the form, he began to notice things. Things like how the paint was beginning to chip off the walls in some places, how large the plant in the corner of the room was, and how unnaturally quiet it was when every person in the room was so boisterous just a few seconds ago. Then he noticed the blur of pink before his left eye.

"Sakura?"

"Oh, hi Kakashi-sensei," she replied with a glance up before resuming to fill out her paperwork. So many questions…

"What are you doing here? I thought you'd be helping with this experiment," the silver-haired man questioned. Sakura shrugged.

"They had enough people helping," she replied before filling the space reserved for age with a neat 'twenty.'

"Oh," he replied before a silence stretched between the two. Normally, Kakashi wouldn't be so unnerved by a little thing like silence, but this seemed too unnatural. Even in the forest, there were the sounds of insects or, at the very least, a gust of wind or two. He needed to do something.

"So I see you're a jounin now."

"I have been for the past two years. You were there," she replied as she moved on to the next part of the paperwork. He was starting to feel bad. He hadn't even started on his.

"Oh. Right. So…how do you like it?"

"Gets the bills paid," she replied flatly as she pondered the question before her. Would she rather have her legs amputated or her arms?

As Sakura pondered her answer, Kakashi continued to steal glances at the woman beside him. He knew he should start filling out the forms, but it was hard when he realized how little he knew about her and how bad he was at something as simple as small-talk.

Knowing he was running out of topics to break the silence (and he was  _not_  going to degrade himself by asking something so blatantly obvious and cliché as 'how is the weather?'), he said the only things he could think of.

"I like your shirt. The pink goes really good with the white," he commented sincerely, forms neatly stacked in his lap as he looked over at her from the side.

And she looked back at him, confusion written across her face like fine graffiti as she furrowed her brows and began to mutter, "Pink? Wha—I'm not wearing any…"

And she looked down, a shriek escaping her lips. "You hentai! That's my bra!"

"What?" he shouted in an equally loud manner, eye staring disbelievingly at her—never mind the eyes staring at them both.

"You heard what I just said! You were staring at my chest!" she shouted, papers raining down as she snapped her clipboard in half.

"Sakura, calm down. I was just making small-talk—shooting the breeze! Honest!" he said as he edged towards the window. Sweat ran down the side of his face and his heart thumped loud enough in his chest that he heard it rather than felt it, but none of that seemed to sway her, especially her muttered words of "shooting something alright."

It was a millisecond later that Kakashi bolted out the window, running like a bat out of hell away from the tower, three seconds later that an angry Sakura began after him, a second later that he realized he was probably going to hell, another second after that to realize the pink really did look good with the white and that she looked absolutely stunning when angry, and another second after that to realize that he was  _definitely_  going to hell.


	17. Low-blow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It happened to the best of them. Asuma, Gai, even Genma, but he never imagined it would hurt this much.

Title: Low-blow  
Genre: Humor/ Drama  
Rating: T  
Word Count: 276  
Summary: It happened to the best of them. Asuma, Gai, even Genma, but he never imagined it would hurt this much.

* * *

 

_Konoha Training Ground 7, one of the few places open to all shinobi of the village for usage. Here, sounds of punches, kicks, and various other things are normal. Screams and awkward silences, however, are not._

_._

_._

_._

"Oh my god! I'm so sorry, Kakashi-sensei!"

A wheeze.

"Don't worry about it, Sakura-chan. It's nothing," he says waving dismissively with a strained smile. God, it hurt.

"Nothing? Nothing? Kakashi, I just kicked you in the crotch!"

"Really? I didn't notice," he lies as tears sting his eyes. Jesus, what did she hit him with? A piece of steel?

"Then why are you hunched over, huh?" she snaps defensively before gripping her hair in turmoil. "Oh my god, I just kicked you in the crotch with a chakra-enhanced kick! What are the medical repercussions? Are there medical repercussions? Wah!"

He pants. "Sakura-chan, it's okay. It was just a training accident. I should've had my guard up."

"'It's okay?' It's okay? Kakashi-sensei, I may have just irreparably damaged your ability to produce children!"

He laughs despite the pain. "I don't think I'll mind. I dealt with you, Sasuke, and Naruto long enough to refrain from any ideas of a family."

But she doesn't hear him and he continues to chuckle despite the fiery pain beneath his waistline and the fact he feels like leaping out of his skin. But just when he thought it couldn't get any worse…

"Sensei, I have to heal you. Take off your pants."


	18. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She should've known when she woke up this morning that it would be a bad day.

Title: Lost  
Genre: Humor/ General  
Rating: K  
Word Count: 264  
Summary: She should've known when she woke up this morning that it would be a bad day.

* * *

 

"…we're lost, aren't we, sensei?" a young girl asked as they stood in the middle of a dirt road, large green eyes staring up unblinkingly at the silver-haired man she called 'sensei.' Her teacher looked down at his student with a strained smile.

"No, Sakura, we aren't lost. We just seemed to have lost direction."

"That's just another way to say 'we're lost,' Kakashi-sensei. Maybe we should ask for directions?" she queried. After all, it wouldn't do to be wandering around all day when they could just ask for directions and be on their way.

"I didn't say we were lost. You did and besides, I have the map right here," he said holding up a brownish-yellow piece of paper in his hands, completely missing the roll of the young girl's eyes. "Now it says here that we're supposed to turn right at the fork in the road next to a big green blob. Do you see it anywhere?"

The twelve-yr-old girl peered over her teacher's forearm to find out what would be the green blob in the middle of the forest, and rolled her eyes.

"Sensei, that's a glob of lime jell-o and you're holding Naruto's geography homework."

"…oh," he said, as if he just noticed the large glaring red 'F' painted in the upper right-hand corner.

"Are we lost, Kakashi-sensei?"

And this time, he blinked and stared straight ahead as if he just found the exit to this horrible nightmare before saying, "You know what, Sakura-chan? I believe we are lost."


End file.
